I was an athlete for more than half of my life. I started swimming competitively when I was 5 and kept swimming well into college. I wouldn’t say I ever “struggled” with my weight, but I’ve always been curvy. I went through periods of inactivity, eventually developed a regular yoga practice, and became a yoga teacher. Still, it seemed no matter how many salads I ate, how many days as week I sweated it out on my mat, or how many miles I rode my bike, I have long been what the BMI index considered obese.
Mind you, I never felt like a “fat girl;” I’m thick for sure, but pretty damn solid. And no matter how I tried to reject the pervasive media-enforced standard of beauty, I’ve always wished to be thinner. Not just thin. I wanted to FEEL healthy and see it reflected in the way I looked.
After my first Lupus flare, my energy took a nose dive. Some days I found it hard to get out of bed. It was hard to focus. And even as things improved, I got used to a baseline level of always feeling fatigued; always feeling a little run down. I’d pour my energy into guiding people through yoga classes, then go home and crash; physically and mentally unable to do anything else for the day.
I had heard about Whole30 through friends and social media, but I thought the idea of an elimination diet was crazy. What do you eat when you eliminate everything?! Still, I was curious so I started reading more about it and considered the possibility that maybe this could be what I’ve been missing. Not an I’ll try to eat better “diet” but a nutritional reset designed to help me discover how what I eat can be both harmful and helpful to my health.
So a couple weeks ago, I made the commitment: 30 days of fresh nutrient rich fruits, veggies, proteins, and healthy fats. Of course, the elimination part was important: No dairy; no refined or added sugar; no soy; no legumes; no alcohol; no grains. Complete elimination of foods known to cause inflammation, hormone imbalances, gastrointestinal disruption, and other negative health effects.
I woke on the first day excited and stressed out. I had dreams about being hungry and I was very conscious of the mental effort required to change how I thought about food and nutrition over the next 30 days. By mid-week I was already feeling more energetic. Because I did live such an active lifestyle as a yoga teacher, I even found myself needing to eat more, to sustain and fuel what seemed to be an increasing metabolism. By the end of the week, I noticed that my skin was smoother and more even.
I was excited to go into my second week until DH made toast and I wanted to bite his hand off. 4th of July came and all I wanted was to drink beer and chow down on tortilla chips. The next day DH made banana bread muffins for his co-workers and I could feel my body calling out to shove all of the muffins in my face. And on day 12, I woke up angry and aware of all of the things I was not eating.
Just think about how great you feel, I say to myself. Look at all the delicious new recipes you’ve learned! There’s another not-so-quiet voice in the background going, FUCK THE WORLD I WANT SUGAR!!!! It’s seriously distracting when I’m working from home and my lizard brain is trying to convince me to bake cookies or scarf down a handful of dried cranberries. And sure, technically, the cranberries are on program, but I don’t really want the handful of cranberries. It’s the boredom snacking, the mid-day sweet treat craving, the sugar dragon roaring to the surface.
And the only thing keeping me from raiding the pantry is the realization that something I was eating was making me sick. I want to complete the elimination part of the Whole30 experiment so that I can move into the reintroduction phase with integrity, and the intention of figuring out which foods I can eat, and which just aren’t good for me. This represents an entirely new way of thinking for me: truly being mindful about what I eat and the impact of food on my overall health.
But today, I’m less than halfway through my Whole30 and I’m trying hard not to think about doughnuts.
I’m very proud of your resolve Kimberlee. You are an inspiration! Keep up the good work!